i WILL move ahead bold and confident! i have this crazy overwhelming happiness in my heart... i feel like i'll never stop smiling... could it be with the end of lent and the coming of the Triduum... praying it's pure... this is big... whooooo...

an update is long overdue... i don't even remember how to blog so it'll be simple with cut and paste... both references pertain(ed) to my future, what it means i'm not sure... thank you, sister, for the reading...

"i'm so nervous and excited about what's hiding behind His back. every decision i make is like a game where He's holding out his clenched hands saying, "pick a hand." what do i choose? left or right? can i take a peek? what if one's dirt and one's a daisy? eeek! what do i do? what do i do? and i choose... it's the dirt. ughhh, great! what do i do with this??? thanks... so, i put that handful of dirt in my pocket. i continue down this road called life, only to realize that dirt has its purpose. my home, my foundation, is built on and out of dirt. the foods that nourish me grows from dirt. He made me out of dirt. dirt represents life!!! i am blessed to receive dirt!!! hahaha and, it's in this revelation that He hands me the daisy and says, "you are my beautiful that grew from that dirt..." and, my heart melts for Him." (11.14.2007)

"Jesus' words here put us on guard against thinking that just because we have not out and out rejected God's will, we are necessarily following it. The seed is not lost, it does not die for lack of moisture, but still it does not bear fruit - other things get in the way and do not let it grow. Perhaps a common fate for many a possible vocation. We don't dare say no to it outright, but we do put it off, occupy our minds and engage our energies in activities and projects that take us away from it, and so let other things displace it. The result is the same: no fruit.

Good soil. Jesus gives here a wonderful description of the person who is truly open to his vocation, he is of "noble and generous heart, who hears the word and takes it to himself, and yields fruit through perseverance." Shouldn't that be the description of each one of us? Isn't that what attracts us about the saints, the living ones we see and those we read about?

How much richer we all are for the good soil God's word found in the heart of a Pope John Paul or a Mother Teresa, and what wonderful fruit they have brought forth in their perseverance- a perseverance by which they withstood temptation, let the Word go deep into their lives and make extraordinary demands of them, and cleansed their hearts of any attachment or ambition that might smother that seed.

Christ here opens an invitation to each and everyone of us. He describes his dream for us. He tell us that this is what we can be with his grace." -Fr. Bannon, L.C.

it's no longer about Him offering me this "dirt," but i am now the "soil." He may have courted me with flowers and gifts, now how will i enrich my life and bear "gifts," "fruit" for Him? all i know is my heart is racing and i'm enjoying this anxious calm..

love love love...

i'm tired but i can't sleep, and that's how it's been for a while now. the only night that i've had real good sleep is when i wasn't feeling well and took a nyquil and only woke up maybe twice throughout the night, as opposed to my waking up every four or so hours. and, since someone has requested an update, an update you all get! it's late, so excuse me if it makes no sense and has no central theme or plot or moral.

i want to save the world. i do. if i could, i would save the entire world. as a child, i had always wanted to be one of those dream (saving-others) occupations: a doctor, a nurse, a teacher, a vet, a zoologist, a scientist, an archeologist. ok, maybe those last few aren't, but i had to throw that in. anyways, i remember in middle school, i think seventh grade, i did a biography paper on mother theresa. i was so moved by her work that i told myself i too wanted to save ppl like she did. not a care in the world about who they were or what kind of life they'd led, but simply treat them with the only concern that they needed to be loved. i really even contemplated following her footsteps into becoming a nun. I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world. that statement amazed me. i could not get over her complete and total surrender to God, to serve these ppl..

so, i went into hs and got lost in the world of teenage years and materialism... blah blah blah... went to college... directing my energy to serving children. pursuing a career towards being a child life specialist... but, in the summer of 2005, i made my first trip to the motherland (vietnam, clarification for those of you who thought i meant the PI). it was an exciting time for me to meet family, visit my grandmother, and just enjoy the country. we even made a visit to thailand, which was interesting to say the least.

but, out of that entire trip, my happiest moment was visiting a lepers clinic in the mountainous regions. and, i thought of my seventh grade report... the montagnards (mountain ppl) held the population for this clinic. one of my cousins, who was in the seminary at the time, frequented this catholic-run clinic. i remember walking around the clinic seeing these ppl, in different degrees and stages of ailing. as i close my eyes, i can still picture it perfectly in my mind, the elders in wheelchairs, on benches, standing around. and they just felt like normal ppl to me. i can still hear their strange, but intriguing recital of the rosary in their language. and, as we walked by the community room to the chapel, i remember seeing two little children, running around playing. a sister and younger brother. they stopped in their tracks to look at us, the foreigners. i remember smiling and them smiling back, with their curious faces as to who we were. my only regret of that trip is not taking their picture (actually, i lost all of those photos when my computer crashed).

i remember talking with the sister who was giving us the "tour," and her mentioning that i had large eyes like those of the ppl. she joked that i had mountain blood in me, bc i didn't look typical vietnamese. we mentioned that my grandmother used to climb up the mountains to do trading with the montagnards. but, the odd thing for me was that i really felt a connection with this place, with these ppl. talking more with my cousin, i learned that as these ppl got better and were able to leave the clinic, the families would move to these villages where they'd build homes for themselves. and their neighbors would help them build their houses, and they would help others build their future houses (sound familiar?). i remember thinking how fascinating it was... these ppl building love and dignity for one another... and, that i wanted to come back!

when i came back to the US, i decided that i wanted to do more, to give more to those who weren't as fortunate. i got involved with GK, and eventually became a GK1mb rep, but there was no GK in VN. i looked into peace corps, hoping for something in VN, but to no avail. so, i decided that even if it wasn't that exact community, there were so many ppl and places that still needed my assistance, so i discerned btw GK and peace corps. and, that's where i was in that portion of saving the world. GK or peace corps... GK or peace corps... GK or peace corps... but, during that time of finding a way back to that place i lost sight of why i wanted get out there...

so, what's up with the mother theresa quote you ask? well, when i finally decided to fully embrace Him and give up my ways, i finally took notice of the little signs He left for me to remind me to surrender and trust. and, i named these signs my love notes. corny, yeah... so, what? throughout my journal, i jotted down every little love note i received... well, upon deepening my faith and refreshing myself on mother theresa literature i came upon that quote. I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world. and, i remembered her work, the ppl, and the connection we shared... our love of God that we wanted to share with others. that quote resonates through me, mind, body, spirit...  true, my love notes are in no comparison to love letters, but i strive for that surrender and devotion. but, i know i want to be that pencil, i want to be used!!!

the more i read the more i saw that my passion wasn't only for the physically poor, but i realized my heart ached for those who were poor in spirit. i want to save everyone!!! not just the montagnards in vietnam, or ppl in the PI, or any other third world country. i want to save those ppl around me, too! the ppl i call my friends, the ppl i meet and interact with day to day, who are lost and lonely. it's been hard because i look around and i see so many of them with so much potential who throw it all away. i can't say i haven't been there, when you get caught up in those fleeting moments of happiness. and, instead of happiness, there's only lasting pain and regret. i've been there, but the thing is... in every moment i fell there was a lending hand that i eventually grabbed for dear life. when i felt that firm grip, i could feel His trust and love passing through our hands, but when i looked up i saw another's face. the familiar faces of those brothers and sisters who had been where i had been, but rose up and past their mistakes and chose a different life, a life with Him. you see, i now want to be that person for those potentials... but, it's not their time. it's not their choice. how do you save a person who doesn't want to be saved? yes, we say we just have to pray for them and let them live through what they need to live through. but, that's hard to accept. i love these ppl.. and, i don't want to see them hurt. i don't want to see them fall, bc i've been there and wouldn't want anyone to feel that pain, the anger, the loneliness. so, i want to save them all... but, i can't... so, i have to wait. i have to trust that He knows what He's doing with their lives. i have to continue praying that one day they'll give up that fleeting happiness of the secular world, and look for more. and, i pray that  i'll still be here waiting for them, not losing hope. i can't, i won't.

it's too late in the night, or too early in the morning.. after an hour or so of writing, my mind and train of thought is dwindling away... i don't know what i've blogged...

i just know i want to save the world...

i'm sitting here in front of my computer, fingers on the keyboard, headphones on with brooke fraser playing into my ears... i feel like hyperventilating and having a panic attack. the future is upon me.

every person has some curiosity of what their future may look like. they want to be able to control the events in their lives, but no matter how hard they try, they fail. we cannot know our own plan bc we cannot comprehend it. whine and cry about it as much, we won't know till we've calmed our bodies down and are ready to listen. we may think, why is God putting me through this? how does this fit in my life? where does this path lead me? sometimes, we question where He is and why isn't He helping? why does He feel so distant? but the truth is, He is a God of secrets. the best part, He is a revealer of secrets, of truths. we cannot unearth or discover these secrets, but God reveals it to us at a specific time in a specific moment in need. it is in this transforming moment that we are brought to the most intimate experience with Him. He is our God of wisdom, of hope, of love, so He knows what and when to provide for us.

i'm so nervous and excited about what's hiding behind His back. every decision i make is like a game where He's holding out his clenched hands saying, "pick a hand." what do i choose? left or right? can i take a peek? what if one's dirt and one's a daisy? eeek! what do i do? what do i do? and i choose... it's the dirt. ughhh, great! what do i do with this??? thanks... so, i put that handful of dirt in my pocket. i continue down this road called life, only to realize that dirt has its purpose. my home, my foundation, is built on and out of dirt. the foods that nourish me grows from dirt. He made me out of dirt. dirt represents life!!! i am blessed to receive dirt!!! hahaha and, it's in this revelation that He hands me the daisy and says, "you are my beautiful that grew from that dirt..." and, my heart melts for Him.

so, you're thinking where is she going with this? i don't really know. hahaha. i haven't known much lately, other than the fact that He loves me, and i love Him. this blog is just a blurb of stuff. i realized this wave of highs and lows of my internship is coming to an end. and i knew this bc it meant that i'm graduating. but, today was the first day that it hit me. i read a chapter on my internship about terminating your placement. that means terminating my time with these kids i've dedicated hours of my life to this semester. i live and breathe two and three year olds. i've grown to love them and share with them in their successes and failures. i've learned and taught with them. how do i sever my relationship with these kids and the teachers and staff? it was the realization of the "termination" of my internship that it hit me... when i finish this internship, i finish my undergraduate education. where do i go from here? do i continue on with my education? do i work? do i do non-profit work? so... where do i begin? trust Him...

my second action towards my future: i've begun my peace corps application, not even sure if that's where i want to go with my life. eek!